Difference #1:
When Read calls me, her facebook picture still shows up on the caller ID, but now it's a little bit blurry for some reason.
Symbolism:
My wife is no longer the woman I once knew. The changes are subtle but once I noticed them, they were all I could focus on. For too long I've been deluding myself, not interacting with her as she is, but interacting instead with a simulacrum: my own false image of the way she used to be. Maybe I'm the one changing, while everyone else stays the same.
Sample excerpt:
I looked in the mirror to make sure I could still recognize my own face. Creases. People called them "laugh lines" or "crows feet" to spare my feelings. I traced one with my finger but it ended abruptly, like an old rutted drive leading to an abandoned cabin. My cabin, my road, my rutted drive. My face was a road map for a town that no longer existed.
Difference #2:
The new phone has a larger memory card.
Symbolism:
He cannot escape his past. He went through life, meeting new people, seeing new places, but that only added new chapters to his story. The earliest chapters, the earliest moments, are still there. The smells. Daddy still liked to drink. The sounds. Daddy still walked out on him and on mommy. The pain. Daddy was still an empty chair at his high school graduation.
Sample excerpt:
I sat next to Barbara and began to drown in contentedness. Her Jack Russel Terrier, which she had named Jack in either total earnestness or total irony, ran in tight circles next to the sofa. I smiled. Barbara always teased me and said that I liked Jack more than I liked her. It happened in slow motion. Jack bumped the end table and the Tiffany lamp atop it lurched and swayed until its center of balance succumbed to gravity. Eight pounds of ceramics and glass and filaments accelerated towards Jack. I screamed, and Jack scurried away before the lamp came crashing down.
"Who's Duke?" Barbara asked.
"Duke?" I hadn't heard that name in a long time.
"That's what you screamed: 'Duke.'"
My ears were hot. "That's weird." I waited for Barbara to go back to reading her book, and then slowly turned my head towards our closet. The door was ajar, and a thin beam of light fell on an ancient baseball glove. It was covered in bite marks.
Difference # 3:
I always use vibrate instead of a ringer and the new phone vibrates at a slightly lower frequency and slightly more weakly than the old one
Symbolism:
In the end, pragmatism won out over idealism. And is accomplishing your goals efficiently, providing light without providing excess heat, really so humble an ideal? I used to need attention. Now I take attention.
Sample excerpt:
The young man in the scarf was still loading his suitcase into an overhead bin as the train began to move. He took a small step backwards to avoid falling.
"I guess Newton is still good for something," I said to the pretty young lady to my right as the scarfed man sat down across the aisle. There was no response; she had a book open on her lap and was fiddling with an iPod. I abandoned all hope of engaging with my engrossed seatmate. As I looked up at the middle aged woman sitting across from me, I began to roll my eyes at the absurdity of it all, knowing she must have heard my aborted conversation. But instead of meeting her soul, I got a good look at her left ear--she was looking out the window. I followed her lead.
The world flew by in a wave from left to right. I heard a sneeze radiate from the direction of the scarf-clad momentum-conservationist.
"God bless you," said the pretty young lady to my right, seemingly unaware of his earlier foible.
"Thanks," he said, and, obviously flustered by the girl's beauty, which I had noticed first, he dropped his laptop.
"I guess Newton is still good for something," I said to the pretty young lady. She glanced back at me and then moved across the aisle to sit in the empty seat next to the scarven-necked gravitational young Turk.
Surely, this commotion had caught the attention of the woman across from me. I tensed my eyeballs. They were locked and loaded in their sockets, ready to roll with all the wistful dismissiveness I had earned. But she was still looking out the window. I joined her, and the world flew by from left to right.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other
I promised more games on this blog so here's a quick one. I've taken two cabs over the past week, and while neither driver affirmatively declared his allegiance to Mr. Herbert Spencer's Social Statics, I have my suspicions. In any event, below there are three statements. Two of them were said to me by one of the aforementioned cabbies. One was not. Can you guess which statement WAS NOT said to me by a cabbie?
1. I don't like black people.
2. Well, at least you're not Irish.
3. Of course you can pay with a credit card. I am required by law to accept such payments and always do so willingly.
Answers in the comments!
1. I don't like black people.
2. Well, at least you're not Irish.
3. Of course you can pay with a credit card. I am required by law to accept such payments and always do so willingly.
Answers in the comments!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Soon The Government Will be Forced To Buy Every American His Or Her Own Box Turtle
Senator and person-who-probably-refers-to-Sofia-Vergara-as-"that-Spanish-lady" Tom Coburn (R-Texas' Hat) is shocked and appalled that the government granted $113,277 (a.k.a. 0.000003%, or three one-hundred-millionths, of the federal budget, a.k.a. 0.03 cents from each and every American) to a museum curation project*. I'm sure his outrage has nothing to do with the fact that this particular museum is devoted to subject matter to which old people say phooey. Indeed, Sen. Coburn's concen about profligate government spending is sincere and well-considered and not based on cynical political calculations or complete economic ignorance. And that's trouble for me, because $113,277 is uncomfortably close to the amount that the federal government spends on its give-Adam-a-yearly-salary-and-benefits-in-exchange-for-legal-services program.
Personally, I think my work is less important, and far more fungible, than preserving cultrural artifacts. So to avoid the chopping block I pored over the federal budget, item by item. To save my own skin, I needed to find an even more wasteful and less producitve program to cut. After a long search, I found something. Apparently, there is an obscure program called "congress," which I'm guessing has something to do with porn because I've heard the phrase "sexual congress" before, and I'm too lazy to do any further thinking on the matter.
This "congress" is a group of 535 government employees that collectively earns about $93 Million a year or $1,790,000 per week. That's just salary too; the federal government pays cogress all kinds retirement and health care benefits too. (LOL health care benefits from the federal government?! That'll never work.) Now, that's not necessarily a problem, especially if congress were performing some sort of vital function that was essential to our nation's operations. But, honestly, I can't really figure out congress' function. One prominent congressarian said that congress' "single most important goal" is to prevent the current president from being re-elected. Now I'm not sure what you guys think about Obama, but that seems like a weird thing for the government to spend 1,790,000 of your TAX PAYER DOLLARS on PER WEEK! (Especially with all these problems in the world today. Do they really need to spend time on this?) I did a little more digging, and it turns out that congress was originally intended to "pass laws." And, well, I guess they used to do that, but they don't really bother anymore.
But it gets even worse! "Congress" gets paid that salary whether they're actually working or just on vacation! (No wonder they don't bother passing any laws. This is more evidence that government handouts to lazy people discourage those people from working.) And "congress" is on vacation RIGHT NOW! A two week vaction that costs American tax payers almost $3.6 Million! And they took off the whole month of August, at a cost of almost $8 Million!
Truly, America cannot survive if forced to expend precious federal monies on this boondoggle. I promise you I will work ceaselessly to ensure that congress is abolished, or, at the very least, that they take less than $10 Million worth of vacations per year. I'm sure I can count on anti-spending stalwart Sen. Coburn to support me in this matter.
*Link courtesy of Alyssa Rosenberg, one of my two favorite bloggers on the planet.
Personally, I think my work is less important, and far more fungible, than preserving cultrural artifacts. So to avoid the chopping block I pored over the federal budget, item by item. To save my own skin, I needed to find an even more wasteful and less producitve program to cut. After a long search, I found something. Apparently, there is an obscure program called "congress," which I'm guessing has something to do with porn because I've heard the phrase "sexual congress" before, and I'm too lazy to do any further thinking on the matter.
This "congress" is a group of 535 government employees that collectively earns about $93 Million a year or $1,790,000 per week. That's just salary too; the federal government pays cogress all kinds retirement and health care benefits too. (LOL health care benefits from the federal government?! That'll never work.) Now, that's not necessarily a problem, especially if congress were performing some sort of vital function that was essential to our nation's operations. But, honestly, I can't really figure out congress' function. One prominent congressarian said that congress' "single most important goal" is to prevent the current president from being re-elected. Now I'm not sure what you guys think about Obama, but that seems like a weird thing for the government to spend 1,790,000 of your TAX PAYER DOLLARS on PER WEEK! (Especially with all these problems in the world today. Do they really need to spend time on this?) I did a little more digging, and it turns out that congress was originally intended to "pass laws." And, well, I guess they used to do that, but they don't really bother anymore.
But it gets even worse! "Congress" gets paid that salary whether they're actually working or just on vacation! (No wonder they don't bother passing any laws. This is more evidence that government handouts to lazy people discourage those people from working.) And "congress" is on vacation RIGHT NOW! A two week vaction that costs American tax payers almost $3.6 Million! And they took off the whole month of August, at a cost of almost $8 Million!
Truly, America cannot survive if forced to expend precious federal monies on this boondoggle. I promise you I will work ceaselessly to ensure that congress is abolished, or, at the very least, that they take less than $10 Million worth of vacations per year. I'm sure I can count on anti-spending stalwart Sen. Coburn to support me in this matter.
*Link courtesy of Alyssa Rosenberg, one of my two favorite bloggers on the planet.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
E.P.S.A.D.A.M.
Back in the carefree early days of this blog, we played games, and had contests (still accepting drink-name submissions!), and had a grand old time. Since then the blog has become a long string of cynical posts about books and institutional failures, broken only by Read's annual post about something she had recently eaten. Well forget that, it's time for MORE GAMES!!!!
Many of you know that I work a large government institution that is sometimes called a ponzi scheme by people who are too stupid to know what a ponzi scheme is. The thing about working at this place is that we use a lot of crazy acronyms and abbreviations and for things (That's government for you. Am I right, people?). In fact, we use so many acronyms, that I often feel like I work on a spaceship in some sort of weird science fiction story. Specifically the weird science fiction story Xenosaga, in which, five thousand years in the future, Space Jesus helps Space-Robot Mary Magdaline stop a wayward agent of Space God from destroying the Universe. No really, that's the plot!
Now for the game! Below, there are four pairs of terms and acronyms. Each pair includes one term from Xenosaga and one term used by my government institution, which, for google-veil purposes, will be called Entitlement Program Shark Attack Destroy All Monsters in honor of another great acronym and the greatest name of anything ever. It's up to you to guess which term belongs with which sprawling and convoluted entity! Answers at the bottom of the post.
1. KOS-MOS :: ARC-MOS
2. U-DO :: ODAR
3. P.R.T.F. :: U.R.T.V.
4. TESTAMENT :: NUMIDENT
Happy Guessing!
Solutions:
1. KOS-MOS, or Kosmos Obey Strategical Multiple Operation Systems (hooray recursive acronyms) is the aforementioned Space-Robot Mary Magdaline and is a main character in Xenosaga. She is a cutting edge weapons platform designed to fight ghosts, has blue hair, and talks exactly like January Jones. Meanwhile, ARC-MOS stands for Assistant Regional Commissioner for Management and Operations Support and is a relatively senior position within E.P.S.A.D.A.M. I don't really know what this person does, but a recent e-mail annoucing our newly appointed ARC-MOS suggests that a "strong working knowledge of FO, PSC and TSC Operations" and a "'can do' positive attitude" are the hallmarks of an effective candidate.
2. U-DO is from Xenosaga and, technically, is an abbreviation for Unus-Mundus Drive Operation system, but it's really a "collective unconscious with a single mind" that resides in the upper domain (get it, Upper DOmain?) and is the name of Xenosaga's Space God. It is also a "wave existence," which means, as any quantum physicist will tell you, it is also a particle existence. ODAR is the department of E.P.S.A.D.A.M. that manages judges.
3. P.R.T.F. stands for Psychiatric Review Technique Form, which is the a form that E.P.S.A.D.A.M. uses when evaluating the extent to which a person's mental illnesses and impairments affect their functioning. U.R.T.V. stands for U-do ReTroVirus (I don't know why they use periods either). These are robots who use their life force anti-waves to fight Space God (i.e., U-DO). There are 669 URTV units, all clones of their creator Dmitri Yuriev, who discovered U-DO, got confused about what it was, and then lied about it, and then tried to kill it (again, it being Space God) hastening the end of the Universe and the destruction of Planet Miltia (That's scientists for you. Am I right, people?).
4. Testaments are from Xenosaga and are the Space Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...or something? There's definitely four of them, and they all have a tight relationship with Space God's fallen Space Angel. One of the Testaments built KOS-MOS, another is one of those God-killing Roboclones, one killed a main character's family, and then there's one who had an affair with a main character's nanny and maybe something more important than that, I forget. They all drive big Gundam style mechs that are named after the twelve tribes of Israel. NUMIDENT is our internal nomenclature for what everyone in the real world calls an Entitlement Program Shark Attack Destroy All Monsters Number. Why we cal it NUMIDENT, instead of the more straightforward Entitlement Program Shark Attack Destroy All Monsters Number, is unclear.
Hope you guessed well, and remember, this post was written in my personal capacity as a private citizen and none of the material contained within this post represents any official or unofficial position that E.P.S.A.D.A.M. has taken regarding Xenosaga or acronyms. Happy New Year!
Now for the game! Below, there are four pairs of terms and acronyms. Each pair includes one term from Xenosaga and one term used by my government institution, which, for google-veil purposes, will be called Entitlement Program Shark Attack Destroy All Monsters in honor of another great acronym and the greatest name of anything ever. It's up to you to guess which term belongs with which sprawling and convoluted entity! Answers at the bottom of the post.
1. KOS-MOS :: ARC-MOS
2. U-DO :: ODAR
3. P.R.T.F. :: U.R.T.V.
4. TESTAMENT :: NUMIDENT
Happy Guessing!
Solutions:
1. KOS-MOS, or Kosmos Obey Strategical Multiple Operation Systems (hooray recursive acronyms) is the aforementioned Space-Robot Mary Magdaline and is a main character in Xenosaga. She is a cutting edge weapons platform designed to fight ghosts, has blue hair, and talks exactly like January Jones. Meanwhile, ARC-MOS stands for Assistant Regional Commissioner for Management and Operations Support and is a relatively senior position within E.P.S.A.D.A.M. I don't really know what this person does, but a recent e-mail annoucing our newly appointed ARC-MOS suggests that a "strong working knowledge of FO, PSC and TSC Operations" and a "'can do' positive attitude" are the hallmarks of an effective candidate.
2. U-DO is from Xenosaga and, technically, is an abbreviation for Unus-Mundus Drive Operation system, but it's really a "collective unconscious with a single mind" that resides in the upper domain (get it, Upper DOmain?) and is the name of Xenosaga's Space God. It is also a "wave existence," which means, as any quantum physicist will tell you, it is also a particle existence. ODAR is the department of E.P.S.A.D.A.M. that manages judges.
3. P.R.T.F. stands for Psychiatric Review Technique Form, which is the a form that E.P.S.A.D.A.M. uses when evaluating the extent to which a person's mental illnesses and impairments affect their functioning. U.R.T.V. stands for U-do ReTroVirus (I don't know why they use periods either). These are robots who use their life force anti-waves to fight Space God (i.e., U-DO). There are 669 URTV units, all clones of their creator Dmitri Yuriev, who discovered U-DO, got confused about what it was, and then lied about it, and then tried to kill it (again, it being Space God) hastening the end of the Universe and the destruction of Planet Miltia (That's scientists for you. Am I right, people?).
4. Testaments are from Xenosaga and are the Space Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...or something? There's definitely four of them, and they all have a tight relationship with Space God's fallen Space Angel. One of the Testaments built KOS-MOS, another is one of those God-killing Roboclones, one killed a main character's family, and then there's one who had an affair with a main character's nanny and maybe something more important than that, I forget. They all drive big Gundam style mechs that are named after the twelve tribes of Israel. NUMIDENT is our internal nomenclature for what everyone in the real world calls an Entitlement Program Shark Attack Destroy All Monsters Number. Why we cal it NUMIDENT, instead of the more straightforward Entitlement Program Shark Attack Destroy All Monsters Number, is unclear.
Hope you guessed well, and remember, this post was written in my personal capacity as a private citizen and none of the material contained within this post represents any official or unofficial position that E.P.S.A.D.A.M. has taken regarding Xenosaga or acronyms. Happy New Year!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Brisket aka Sunday Dinner vol.I 1
Most years for my birthday I would request brisket. Maybe this is a strange birthday food for a kid to request, but my braised brisket and mashed potatoes is my all-time favorite comfort food. My mom's recipe (which I actually think it her aunt's) involves one onion, a bottle of Cross & Blackwell chili sauce and a slow cooker. For as long as I can remember, C&B has been unavailable to us (I check every time I go to Wegmans, no dice) so she used Heinz.
I am enamored with the idea of Sunday dinner. I'm not sure how this came to be- it wasn't really a tradition in our house growing up- but I'm hoping to integrate the big Sunday dinner into my life. My first attempt at this was to make a brisket. I had a recipe that I am adapting from the newly re-edited NY Times cookbook. By adapting, I mean I took a photo of the recipe with my smart phone at the campus book store and have some (aka half), but not all of the ingredients, leading to rampant substitution. Only after making the sauce did I realize that it is for 6 lbs of brisket whereas mine was only 2 lbs. I used about half of the sauce. Those of you smarter than me should simply half the recipe for non-holiday use. My version below.
Sauce:
1 C ketchup
1/2 C spicy brown mustard
1/4 C honey
1/4 C olive oil
1/4 C red-wine vinegar
1 tbs soy sauce (I had tamari)
1 tbs chili-garlic sauce (you know, the kind with the rooster)
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 small white onions- 1/2 cut into wide rings, 1 1/2 rough chop
2 small gala apples, cored, peeled, rough chop
6 cloves garlic, halved
6 lb brisket
salt
pepper
Pre-heat oven to 325 F. Reserve the half-onions worth of rings and place in bottom of baking dish (I used a lidded 4 qt dutch oven). Salt and pepper both sides of the brisket and let sit while making sauce.
For the sauce. Put the remaining ingredients into a food processor. Place the brisket on top of the onion bed, over with sauce. Bake for 3-ish hrs. Remove brisket (scrape off sauce) and slice against the grain. Thicken sauce on stove-top to desired consistency, season with salt and pepper. Dress the brisket with delicious sauce.
We ate it for dinner with mashed potatoes and roasted brussels sprouts. It was delicious, but things can always be better. My sauce, while tasty, was strange. It was a little apple-saucy (that's what you get when you puree whole apples). Next time I will use apple cider. Or maybe use Coke like the original recipe said but I refused to do (I'm sure you know my opinion about soda).
Shout out to Ali, another master brisket maker for passing on this bit of additional info: Michael Solomonov's coffee-braised brisket recipe. She mentioned using pomegranate juice in lieu of veal stock...
I am enamored with the idea of Sunday dinner. I'm not sure how this came to be- it wasn't really a tradition in our house growing up- but I'm hoping to integrate the big Sunday dinner into my life. My first attempt at this was to make a brisket. I had a recipe that I am adapting from the newly re-edited NY Times cookbook. By adapting, I mean I took a photo of the recipe with my smart phone at the campus book store and have some (aka half), but not all of the ingredients, leading to rampant substitution. Only after making the sauce did I realize that it is for 6 lbs of brisket whereas mine was only 2 lbs. I used about half of the sauce. Those of you smarter than me should simply half the recipe for non-holiday use. My version below.
Onions from Milk and Honey
Sauce:
1 C ketchup
1/2 C spicy brown mustard
1/4 C honey
1/4 C olive oil
1/4 C red-wine vinegar
1 tbs soy sauce (I had tamari)
1 tbs chili-garlic sauce (you know, the kind with the rooster)
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 small white onions- 1/2 cut into wide rings, 1 1/2 rough chop
2 small gala apples, cored, peeled, rough chop
6 cloves garlic, halved
6 lb brisket
salt
pepper
Best wedding favor ever: honey from Charlottesville, VA
Pre-heat oven to 325 F. Reserve the half-onions worth of rings and place in bottom of baking dish (I used a lidded 4 qt dutch oven). Salt and pepper both sides of the brisket and let sit while making sauce.
For the sauce. Put the remaining ingredients into a food processor. Place the brisket on top of the onion bed, over with sauce. Bake for 3-ish hrs. Remove brisket (scrape off sauce) and slice against the grain. Thicken sauce on stove-top to desired consistency, season with salt and pepper. Dress the brisket with delicious sauce.
Delicious dinner
We ate it for dinner with mashed potatoes and roasted brussels sprouts. It was delicious, but things can always be better. My sauce, while tasty, was strange. It was a little apple-saucy (that's what you get when you puree whole apples). Next time I will use apple cider. Or maybe use Coke like the original recipe said but I refused to do (I'm sure you know my opinion about soda).
Shout out to Ali, another master brisket maker for passing on this bit of additional info: Michael Solomonov's coffee-braised brisket recipe. She mentioned using pomegranate juice in lieu of veal stock...
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
We Are...
*phone rings*
Hello, Marvel Comics Publishing Division, how can I help you?...Oh Hi Stan!...No we'd love to hear your story idea, I always said you had more great comic books left in you!...oh, new group of villains, exciting...uh huh...uh huh...So sort of like Hellfire Club but at a University? Maybe we could have Curt Conners...oh, ok...oh, a big reveal, you start off thinking the villains are heroes, I like it!...uh huh...uh huh...so he's in the locker room...What's in the locker room? Does he kill someone?...HE WHAT?!?!...Stan, I'm not sure anyone wants to read that...ok...ok...oh, so someone sees what happened, that guy ends up being the hero, the main protagonist, right?...HE JOINS THE VILLAINS?!?!...Wait so who is the hero?...Everyone has been in on it the whole time?!?! EVERYONE?!?!...FOR FIFTEEN YEARS?!?! Stan, listen, I don't know what to say. I just think...ok, ok, tell me the last twist...THAT'S WHAT HE USES THE CHARITY FOR?!?!...Sorry Stan, we're going to have to pass. Galactus, Red Skull, Apocalypse, that's one thing. But these guys are just too evil. Even for comic books. See you later Stan.
*click*
Hello, Marvel Comics Publishing Division, how can I help you?...Oh Hi Stan!...No we'd love to hear your story idea, I always said you had more great comic books left in you!...oh, new group of villains, exciting...uh huh...uh huh...So sort of like Hellfire Club but at a University? Maybe we could have Curt Conners...oh, ok...oh, a big reveal, you start off thinking the villains are heroes, I like it!...uh huh...uh huh...so he's in the locker room...What's in the locker room? Does he kill someone?...HE WHAT?!?!...Stan, I'm not sure anyone wants to read that...ok...ok...oh, so someone sees what happened, that guy ends up being the hero, the main protagonist, right?...HE JOINS THE VILLAINS?!?!...Wait so who is the hero?...Everyone has been in on it the whole time?!?! EVERYONE?!?!...FOR FIFTEEN YEARS?!?! Stan, listen, I don't know what to say. I just think...ok, ok, tell me the last twist...THAT'S WHAT HE USES THE CHARITY FOR?!?!...Sorry Stan, we're going to have to pass. Galactus, Red Skull, Apocalypse, that's one thing. But these guys are just too evil. Even for comic books. See you later Stan.
*click*
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Bork Is A Lie
It sure is weird how every group of top-secret-super-double-important-mega-bellweather voters that the media touts, be they "NASCAR dads," "security moms," or the newly minted "Wal*Mart moms" (not to be confused with "get-paid-20%-less-by-Wal*Mart-than-dads-do moms") ends up being some variety of conservative voter who has vague, but deeply held concerns about Democratic Candidate X, but gosh maybe would vote for him if only the Democrats didn't hate America so much. Seems like an odd strategy for our unabashedly liberal media to employ. Must be some kind of dirty commie librul trick like passing the 19th amendment, or accurately describing the published views of a federal judge.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I Can't Wait For the GOP To Accidentally Nominate Herman Cain
Because we have a black president, racism is a totally fake thing that no longer exists in America. Just ask Representative Lamar Smith (R-the state that begged and pleaded to join the United States because it was unable to protect itself). But anyway, these are false and inflammatory charges that were brought by the DOJ and its reverse-racist leader, Eric Holder. Also, who cares both sides do redistricting shenanigans so this is actually not a big deal. In any event, to the extent this is a problem, it can be solved by cutting taxes and eliminating teachers' unions.
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